Late night thought ( 30/11/2019)

My mother is in the hospital. There’s nothing I can do but be next to her. Humans are so fragile! Within a few hours the life as we knew ended. Now it’s just sleepless nights, endless worries and food to survive. For the first few days I didn’t feel much. I was just numb or maybe just too tired to feel anything. Or maybe I was just hopelessly hopeful. Although I am an adult, to my mom I am a child. She would declare it with pride and say “ you’ll never be a grown up to me.” I hated it and I loved it. She’s the one who laughs at my lame jokes and cries at my silliest pain. She prays for me as I leave the house, before she goes to sleep. She yells at me three times a day so that I eat. No one yelled at me for six days. It was the easiest way to win an argument with her. If I wanted to hurt her, all I had to do was stop eating. One time she was rude. So I stopped eating. I skipped dinner, breakfast and lunch. After having lunch she came to me with a mug of tea. It was a peace offering, it was enough. We never talked about that fight again. She’s the only one who knows my true self and loves me endlessly. A few hours is all it took for me to stand in the edge of losing her.

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